Dear Mom,

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my sobriety. I’ve been wondering how getting sober changed me. In what ways did I blossom into a new person simply by putting down the bottle and clearing my head? And then I’m hit with the reality that my sobriety, at least the first time, is so intrinsically linked to my grief it’s hard to see the truth. I had stopped drinking only five months before you died. I think I got two months of sobriety under my belt before you went for your last brain surgery. You were never the same after that and neither was I.

I started drinking again after having kids. Thought I deserved a drink at the end of the day like all the other moms. But luckily my body couldn’t handle it anymore. Half a drink in and I’d feel instantly hungover. The alcohol burned my tongue. The taste made me gag. My body was rejecting the liquid that had provided me with so many years of assistance. It was no longer for me. So, sobriety made sense. But I’m not sure if it changed me. I was barely drinking. No big shift came.

I know what I lost by being sober. The experiences that ceased to exist when I stopped getting drunk. I gave up the blackouts. The hangovers. The lack of impulse control. The drunk texting and later drunk online purchasing. I traded in the aches and pains. The screaming. The crying. The saying yes when I really meant no. The constant nausea and layer of gunk on my tongue.

But what did I gain?

I think because I spent so many of my early sober years either grieving or taking care of babies, I was too focused on my world to be able to see what was happening internally. I was too exhausted to feel the physical change. Too busy to notice the emotional impact. Too distracted to recognize that my vision had cleared and my mind had expanded. I was too focused on what was right in front of me to be able to see the bigger picture. That my life was in fact changing. That I was changing for the better.

I guess, in a way, what I gained by being sober was a new version of myself. I found a new ability to live in the moment. I discovered a natural desire to be social. I learned a new skill of believing in myself and taking big chances. Sobriety for me feels gradual. It was a slow and steady process of becoming sober and it was a slow and steady process of evolving into a new person. It’s like watching someone you live with grow. It happens so slowly you can’t see it in the moment. But I was changing. I was growing. I absolutely was benefitting each day by being sober. I just didn’t notice it.

But I do now.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel