Dear Mom,

Sometimes I feel like I need to pinch myself. Like I’m living in a dream, and this can’t possibly be my life. Me, a mom? For real? A mom who looks forward to taking her kid to his basketball practice. A mom who does dance parties after dinner. A mom who spends way too much time volunteering at the elementary school and worrying about which teacher her kids will get in the new schoolyear. How did this become my life? To be honest, it’s not the life itself that shocks me. It’s how much I love it. How much I absolutely enjoy being a mom. How much I enjoy guiding my two knuckleheads through their lives.

I had a therapy session this week with a new therapist. She asked me a question regarding all the hats I wear in life. The mom hat, wife hat, trainer hat, daughter hat, and the me hat. I actually said the words, “I think the hat that feels most authentically me is the mom hat.” As the words came out of my mouth, I felt a little embarrassed. It felt so corny. But it also felt true. I believe I’ve written about this before, if not I’ve certainly thought it, but I feel most myself when I’m around my kids. It’s a big reason I want to hang out with them so often. It’s why Scotland is my favorite person to go to concerts with. Sure, she’s a total joy at a show but I also know I can just let go with her. I can dance and sing and even mess up the lyrics. She won’t judge me. Idris is my favorite person to go to museums with. He gets excited about all the same things and also speeds through the space just like I want to. He won’t make fun of me when I need a snack break or another bathroom break. He’s got my back.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my kids this summer. More than usual. In the past, summer has been my opportunity to get on track personally. To get up early, have a good morning routine of coffee and stretching, spend a solid hour writing, and find time throughout the day to move and write more. Last summer I completed a full rewrite of my novel almost entirely while my kids were asleep. This summer? I’ve been busier with clients, and I’ve had to allow my personal goals to suffer in an effort to say yes to my kids. The surprising part? It doesn’t feel like an obligation. I’m saying yes to them out of pure desire. I simply want to hang out with my kids. And I enjoy every second of it. Well… most seconds. They are still only seven and eight and at times struggle to regulate their emotions. Though I’m not that much better at thirty-nine…

The best part of my summer? I don’t feel any guilt over neglecting my other goals and chores. I’m not upset my manuscript has barely moved forward. I’m not beating myself up over the disorganized closet. I’m not even annoyed that my workouts have mostly consisted of walking with a client and running with my kids. Maybe last summer revolved around me for a reason. Maybe I needed that ‘me time’. But now? I just want to be Mom.

I’ve been wondering lately what about my kids specifically makes me so excited to spend time with them. Obviously, I love them and they happen to be great humans, but I sense there is something more. Something about my son and daughter in particular that makes me decline plans with other adults in order to spend a day alone with them. It goes back to how I feel in their presence. When I’m around my kids I can be completely relaxed. I can be me. Totally me. And I think it’s because they don’t judge me. It allows me to feel most authentically me. I’m honest around them. Share my opinions. Share my feelings. Share my love. I can walk around in my PJs all day. No makeup. No bra. Bad breath. Knotted hair. Hairy legs. Messy home. Not an ounce of judgement from them.

I breathe easier when I’m with my family.

I think they feel the same way.

I hope you felt that way too. I’m pretty sure you did. Based on your ability to be open, honest, and braless with me I think you likely felt most authentically you around me. You shared your opinions with me. Your bodily discomforts. Your issues with other parents at school. Your dreams for your future. I’m sure you held back in certain aspects, but overall you seemed to be more honest with me than with most people in your life.

It does break my heart that I didn’t feel the same way around you. At least not when it mattered most. But I can say, with absolute certainty, if you were still alive, I’d feel comfortable around you today. I’ve grown so much throughout the last years and I’m finally feeling like I know who I am. If only you could see how strong I am today. If only you could know my authentic self. If only I could be open, honest, and braless with you.

I guess, in a small way, everything I’m experiencing now is because of you. My growth journey has shown me that, though you made so many mistakes as my parent, you did a lot of things right. And I believe your ability to be your genuine self with me became the blueprint for how I wanted to hold myself in front of my own kids.

Your lack of inhibitions and blunt attitude as my mom affected me deeply. Unfortunately, it took too long for me to see the best parts of that honesty. It took me way too long to appreciate your role in my life. But I recognize it now and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for showing me that the relationship between a mother and her children has space for authenticity.

I’m confident that we’d have even more honesty in our relationship today if you were still here. And though it brings me such sadness to think about what could have been, I know I can choose to live by your example.

I choose to continue to be open, honest, and braless with my kids. I choose to encourage authenticity and no judgement between us. I choose to not waste my time with them, because I know, one day, our time will run out.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel