Dear Mom,

Did you notice that I didn’t write to you last week? Were you waiting around, tapping your foot on whatever surface is available wherever you are? Do you even have a foot? Are you even aware of time? Or is skipping a week inconsequential in the afterlife?

It’s funny, I thought I’d feel something deep inside due to my choice to skip a week. I thought I’d overthink it. I’d beat myself up for being lazy or not following through. But to be totally honest, I barely noticed. Skipping simply happened. I ran out of time. It was completely out of my control.

Life has been so busy the last few weeks with the end of the school year plus a million other plans and I’ve had little time to focus on my writing. But truthfully, I’ve been struggling to keep up with my writing for a while now. And I want to know why. Why am I suddenly finding it difficult to keep up with a writing schedule? Why can’t I meet my deadlines?

Am I too busy? Or am I juggling too many writing projects? Could it be that I really love to procrastinate? Perhaps it’s some combination of the three.

As I’ve been struggling to hit my goals, I’ve begun to wonder if there is anything on my calendar that I could eliminate to make space for what I really want. And that begs the question of what do I truly want out of my life? What are my long-term goals and how do I really want to spend my days?

When I close my eyes and imagine myself at my happiest, I am sitting at a desk that isn’t mine in a room that isn’t mine in a home that is only mine in my dreams. And I am writing my new manuscript. The book that I feel I was always meant to write. The book that excites and also very much scares me. The book I need to focus on but can’t seem to find the time. And instead of sitting at that fantasy desk writing my special novel, I’m sitting at my cluttered desk in my messy apartment spending all of my creative energy writing a daily journal entry and this weekly letter to you.

So, I’ve been wondering, why keep writing these letters? If these letters are taking away from the writing of my manuscript, then why do I keep doing it? Why do I spend my entire Monday and Tuesday each week writing to you and then spend the rest of my week only writing in my journal? Don’t I have the power to stop writing to you and start only writing my manuscript?

Of course, the answer is yes. I can stop writing to you whenever I want to. The problem is, I don’t want to. I don’t want to stop this dialogue. I can’t. I still need you. I still need to hash out our baggage. I still need to tell you my deepest, and sometimes darkest, thoughts. I still need an outlet for my weekly grievances as well as my weekly highlights. And at the same time, I don’t want to blame one writing project for my inability to follow through with another. All writing is good. Right?

I think so.

Is there another area in my life where I can reprioritize or shift things a bit to allow more space for my writing? Is there, perhaps, an area in my life where I, maybe, just maybe, lean too heavily and possibly even end up using it as a way to procrastinate? Is there any area where I can say no more often in order to maximize my time and energy for my creativity?

I know the answer. There is one very glaring area in my life that I can rewrite in a way. An area where I can improve. And it’s not what you think.

I don’t procrastinate by watching TV. Nor by playing video games. I hardly even procrastinate by looking at my phone. The biggest source of avoidance in my daily life, believe it or not, is socializing. No matter how much work I need to get done, or how much writing I schedule to do, I can’t seem to say no to human connection. I can wake up with the best intentions and then one request for coffee will blow up the whole day. But the more I think about it, the more secure I get in my desire to not change a single thing. I don’t want to give up on socializing. It brings me too much joy.

How do I improve my work life balance? I know I can’t stop writing these letters to you. But I also don’t want to stop socializing. Being around other adults, especially other parents, is extremely fulfilling to me and going out and experiencing my beautiful city makes me feel more alive. I can’t give that up. The only other area where I may be able to say no is my volunteering at the kids’ school. But I know the time span of volunteering is limited. Once the kids leave elementary school I’ll be out of that job. I want to push through for a few more years to be there for my kids and be involved in their lives.

So, what is the answer? How do I manage my time better so I can fit in more writing? Maybe the answer is I don’t. Maybe the answer is that I can’t. Maybe I just have to accept that some days will be more productive than others. Some days I will be too tired to push myself creatively. Some days I will slack off. And maybe that’s OK. Maybe that’s just part of the process. And maybe I need to find a way to be kind to myself. To not beat myself up for falling short. To not feel bad when my self-imposed deadline isn’t met. I managed to get through skipping last week without feeling bad. Is this my acceptance of the situation I’m in?

Or…

What if there is still room for improvement within the confines of my established schedule? What if I can also rethink my socializing? And rethink my volunteering? Can I continue to show up without completely depleting myself? Can I say yes to one thing without totally sacrificing another?

Could I start saying no? At least some of the time?

I tend to say yes to ninety percent of invitations that come my way. It’s a rare day that I say no just because. But there are many moments when I can, and probably should, decline plans for the sole purpose of committing to my goals. I can tell a friend no to coffee because it’ll cut into my writing time. I can also say no to going out in the evening because my rest is crucial to my writing. I have the power to say no whenever I want. It’s the wanting that I’m struggling with. I rarely want to say no. I rarely want to miss out. I enjoy spending time with my friends.

However, I also need to admit that there are some people I don’t enjoy spending time with. There are some activities I don’t enjoy doing. There are definitely volunteering efforts I despise. So, can’t I simply say no to those select invitations? Can’t I say no to the moments I really don’t want to say yes to? I have no obligation to say yes just because.

I guess it’s challenging because I don’t make money writing. It’s hard to tell someone no and give them the reason of having to write. It’s not a job. The deadline isn’t real. However, it is important. It is necessary. And the people who matter the most in my life will understand that. If they don’t understand, they’re probably not worth saying yes to.

I think what I need most right now is to say yes to myself. To say yes to my goals. To my creativity. To my future as a writer. I need to believe in myself. To trust that something will come from my writing. That one day my writing will reach those who need it the most. And in the meantime, it will still always serve the purpose of getting me through the tough times. It’s time I prioritize my creativity. It’s time I prioritize myself. And the good thing is, I know what I need to do. I know where I can say no more. Now I just have to do it. At the end of the day, there just isn’t enough time for it all and I need to remind myself that I have the power to say no. Especially when I’d rather not say yes.

And don’t worry. I’m not going to stop writing to you anytime soon.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel