Dear Mom,

Did you ever neglect to notice how good your life was because you were too busy worrying about what wasn’t perfect? Did you ever convince yourself that things could be better when in reality things were pretty great?

I’m not being sarcastic here. I really want to know. Sure, you were at times guilty of wondering what could’ve been, but you also dealt with a ton of blows and managed to find the positive. With that being said, I’m guessing you were also guilty of internalizing the hard moments while presenting a strong face. Never allowing us to truly know how much you were suffering as you did it in silence.

This week, I’m beginning to question the appropriate and healthiest ways to look at life’s ups and downs.

We drove to Arizona over the weekend to visit with Dad who was there on vacation. I went to the grocery store one morning and while there I walked by an employee stocking produce. When I asked him how he was doing he answered, “I couldn’t be better.” I immediately responded with, “That’s great! I feel the same way.” And after, as I walked back with my groceries, I thought a lot about my response. I searched for any arguments I could come up with for why that statement wasn’t accurate. I couldn’t possibly believe that my life couldn’t be any better. I ultimately concluded that this is my truth. I can’t be any better. In fact, I’m actually really happy.

I know it sounds like a silly thing to debate but I’ve spent so much time picking apart the moments that aren’t perfect. The vacations where things didn’t go as planned. The food I ordered that wasn’t to my liking. The clothes I purchased online and later realized didn’t fit and couldn’t be returned. Life is full of tiny disappointments and I’m no stranger to harping on them. The ‘what could’ve beens’ and ‘what ifs’ have consumed me in the past. I’m now coming to realize that while I’m wasting my time contemplating what I could have I’m not noticing what I do have.

Turns out I happen to have a pretty great life and after that interaction I was ready to turn a corner. I was ready to focus solely on the positive and stop harping on the negative.

But then, we took the kids to a carousel. I chose the elephant next to Scotland’s otter. As the carousel began moving Scotland turned to me and asked if we could ride again. I said no. She whined. I said to enjoy the ride we were currently on. She huffed and puffed and was grumpy the rest of the time. When we got off, she begged again for another ride and stomped the ground when I said no. I couldn’t believe it. My eight-year-old was complaining about not being able to do something while actively doing that thing. She missed the whole experience while she wasted her energy complaining about a future disappointment.

Later, it occurred to me that she must learn that from her mother. Right? This must be my fault. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about what’s next and what could’ve been. I rarely spend my energy enjoying the moment as it’s happening. I imagine there must have already been many times through Scotland’s life where she’s heard me discuss how things could improve. She has learned from me that no matter how great a moment is, it could always be better. But this is no way to live. Not for me and not for her.

For the last couple of days, I’ve been racking my brain as I try to find a solution for this predicament, and I keep coming up with nothing.

What I can say is that admitting to myself that I am happy has already changed me. I doubt saying it once will be enough to allow this feeling to last forever, but I fully recognize the power of saying those words out loud. I am happy. I am really happy. I have a wonderful life. An outstanding husband, the very best kids, and a community I wouldn’t trade for anything. Perhaps saying it enough will enable me to remember it. Maybe saying it more will rub off on my daughter and give her the chance to see the beauty in her life instead of focusing on what could’ve been better.

Last night, I decided to take this dilemma directly to the source. I sat down with Scotland on the couch and said I wanted to share something with her. I told her how happy I am. All the things about my life I love. All the ways I am so fortunate. She hugged me. Said she loves me. And later, while I was preparing dinner, my phone pinged with a shared Google slide created by my daughter. Immediately after our conversation, Scotland had gone to her computer to jot down all the reasons she’s happy in her life.

This confirmed it for me. Sometimes, all we need is that pesky reminder I spoke about last week. We need to remind ourselves of how good we really have it. And that doesn’t mean we must disregard the lows. I am still allowed to acknowledge when things aren’t great. I had two migraines yesterday and struggled all day to get anything done. It was a shitty day. But, I also had that moment with Scotland. I also had an equally beautfiul moment with Idris where we talked together about his emotions.

If I had to guess, I’d say this is normal behavior for children. Both of my kids have been upset over something at bed time and have then concluded it was the worst day ever. I’ve then done my job as a parent to remind them that one bad moment can’t ruin a great day. They need that reminder because they’re kids. And I think I’ve been living my life assuming I don’t because I should know better. But I do need the reminder. I do need to allow myself to scream about a bad moment and then I need to remember that the day was still wonderful. Because I truly believe no bad moment can ruin an entire day. Especially not when I have so much to be happy about.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel

P.S. Below is a list of reasons Scotland loves her life…