Dear Mom,

It’s been over a year since I began writing to you again and, in that time, I’ve learned a great deal about myself. I’ve discovered issues I didn’t know I had. I’ve processed issues I never knew I could. I even managed to reawaken parts of myself that had been lying dormant for so long I had completely forgotten about their existence. Turns out I’m stronger than I thought. I’m more capable than I’d imagined. I’m full of possibility, determination, and drive. Writing to you has helped me become more secure in my dreams.

However, even with all of my work and all of my self-discovery, I still falter. I still lose belief in myself. I still need to be reminded of my potential.

This year I was lucky enough to contribute to my favorite writer’s podcast by sharing my own experience with imposter syndrome. Last week I finally got around to listening to the special episode. I had recorded my three-minute audio clip over three months earlier and it stunned me how much I still needed to hear my own words. How much I needed to be reminded of the progress I had already made. It was as if I had completely forgotten that I had worked through my imposter syndrome already. I guess sometimes, we simply need a reminder.

And as I stepped back and looked at my entire life, I realized that I often need reminders. We as humans have the capacity to grow and to learn from our mistakes but learning from our mistakes isn’t foolproof. Growth isn’t set in stone. We all have setbacks. It’s part of life.

The more I think about this concept the more able I am to give myself kindness and understanding. Having a bad day and feeling lousy isn’t a sign of failure. It’s normal and I believe it’s also necessary. Even if it can feel like one step forward two steps back, I believe it’s how we prosper.

I look at my kids for inspiration here. They both struggle at times doing things I thought they’d mastered. But we had that talk already. But they accomplished that task before. How is it so difficult to get something right and stay that way? Why must they always regress? Of course, I’m not being serious here. For them, I do understand that it takes time. Mastering something, in so many ways, is total bullshit. They can get better and progress and then something as simple as a bad night’s sleep or lack of food or even the smallest of growth spurts can alter their entire world. I don’t beat them up for regressing. So, why do I do it to myself?

Perhaps it’s because we as adults are expected to have it all together. We are supposed to have learned our lessons and figured it out already. And I know it’s all bullshit. I know there is no reality where everyone has figured it all out. But it still feels like that’s the way it’s supposed to be. It still feels like that’s expected of me. And somewhere along the way I’ve put that expectation on myself. I’ve decided that I must only move forward, and every setback is a personal failure. Every wavering moment is an embarrassment and reason to feel ashamed. Somewhere along the way, I’ve developed the tendency to be extremely hard on myself and I don’t enjoy it.

I had a long talk with Scotland over the weekend about her own inclination to be hard on herself. She feels it comes from two years of having teachers with very high expectations. She feels she has no space for mistakes. She’s now at the stage where she doesn’t even want to bother trying new things at the risk of being bad at them. I see this in her and know I must do everything in my power to stop it now before it becomes part of her core identity. I must guide her to grow in a direction unlike my own growth journey at her age. I can’t be sure why I went down that path. I’m sure it had a lot to do with my loneliness leading to my low self-esteem and lack of confidence, but I’ve been beating myself up for most of my lifetime and I know how incredibly exhausting it is. I don’t want that for my kids.

I also understand that it begins with me. I must admit that I don’t want this for me either. That I deserve to move on from these moments of regression and stop beating myself up. That I don’t have to linger in the failures, which only pulls me further down into my own despair.

If I want my kids to understand the importance of picking themselves up after they fall and trying again then I must lead by example. I must pull myself up out of my black hole of self-destruction and lift my head high and try again. I must show them how insignificant most failures are. Most setbacks are only a reminder of the hard work required to succeed. Setbacks aren’t a reflection on who we are as people. It’s only a tiny moment in time.

This goes for all aspects of my life, not only my mental health journey. I often have setbacks in my physical fitness. I could run faster last month or do more push-ups last week. I could eat the same amount today as I did yesterday and still gain weight. I could feel tired for no apparent reason. And, as a personal trainer myself, I know not to beat myself up for these moments. I know we all have physical regressions throughout our days that most of the time have no significant meaning. Especially as a woman, I know the feeling of having changes in my body for no reason other than the shift in weather. And I know that’s totally out of my control, so I don’t let it bother me.

I’d love to remember this feeling. To never forget that I am so hyper-aware that setbacks are part of being alive. That there is nothing wrong with struggling. That regressions aren’t just OK but also necessary.

What I need to remember most of all is that it’s fine if I forget this. If I, a few weeks or months from now, forget my own advice and slip back into feeling badly about myself it doesn’t mean I’ve failed. It doesn’t mean I’ve personally regressed. It really is just a part of being human. And as humans, sometimes we simply need a reminder.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel