Dear Mom,

Over the weekend, I opened yet another email with yet another form rejection. One more ‘it’s not you it’s me’ from an agent I researched to the point of truly believing we’d be the perfect fit. I once again contemplated giving up. Wondering if maybe I’m not cut out for the emotional whiplash of querying a novel. Even after hours of chatting with my online writing community, and hearing their very similar experiences, I still wondered if it was time to shelve my project. Should I move on? I’ve already begun working on a new book so perhaps it’s time to focus on the new story and I can come back to my current querying manuscript a different day. Or I can listen to the imposter syndrome voice in my head telling me to give up entirely. That, no matter the story, this isn’t going anywhere because I’ll never be good enough to be successful.

Wow. That’s a big reaction from one email. Maybe it was because the rejection came on a Saturday morning, but it stuck with me longer than usual.

Later that same day, while I was out with Scotland, Idris had a meltdown when he was told he couldn’t go swimming. He kicked and screamed and begged as Jeremy continued to remind him that the pool isn’t heated during the winter. That the pool is currently too cold. But Idris refused to listen. He was entirely fixated on jumping in the water. So, Jeremy said fine. He could go swimming. Idris couldn’t believe it. He was finally getting his wish. He ran downstairs, pool toys and goggles in tow, and jumped right into the water. It didn’t take him long to understand. It didn’t take him long to figure out what was happening. Dad was right. The pool is too cold during the winter. But… he still had to experience it for himself. He still had to try.

Hearing this story when I got home made me think about another example of Idris at the swimming pool. A few months ago, when Scotland was still diving, we took the kids to the public pool so she could practice for her dive meet. Idris of course wanted to dive as well. Each kid who asks to dive must go through a swim test every time they come to the pool. Each time they must prove that they’re proficient enough swimmers by swimming freestyle down a lane, there and back. They can take a short break at the other side before returning, but they aren’t allowed to stop at all in the middle of the lane. If they show any sign of struggle, they fail.

Now, it’s helpful to understand what kind of kid Idris is. He has always been most calm and comfortable while in water. He was practically born with the ability to swim. He’s been doing front flips into the pool since he was three. However, he does not want lessons. He won’t listen to any adult tell him how he should swim. He will do it his own way. So, the first two times he had taken that swim test, he failed on the first attempt. He didn’t know how to swim freestyle, and he wasn’t used to swimming the length of a pool in one specific style to begin with. Both times, he took a break, pumped himself up, thought about the task at hand, and got back in. Both times, he passed on the second try.

That day, a few months ago, was the third time Idris has passed that swim test, but it was the only time he’d done it on his first try. The only time he was able to get in and swim freestyle the length of the pool and back without taking a break.

Each of these pool examples contains a lesson. The first is that sometimes you simply must try. Even if it doesn’t work out. The second is that sometimes you must try again. You must persevere for the sake of accomplishing a goal.

Both of these examples, and both of these lessons that Idris learned, have made me take a closer look at my own situation. 

I’ve written to you before about the fact that no one helped guide me when I was looking at starting college. No adults in my life sat me down to discuss possible majors that could lead to possible careers. Instead, I chose the one subject that could lead to the job I’d always dreamt of. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a published author one day. I wanted kids to read books with my name on it. But, during school, I often was reminded of my lack of talent. My strengths were in math and science, not writing. This led to years of developing severe imposter syndrome and debilitating self-doubt.

Fast forward to today and my current reality of nonstop rejections. Why am I still pursuing this goal? Why can’t I admit that this may all be a pipe dream? Why can’t I see that this isn’t the career for me? Why can’t I just give up?

It’s because I must try. I must try again and again because, even if sometimes I wish it wasn’t, this is still my dream.

Back in June, I wrote a letter to you about a similar topic. I was faced with the seemingly impossible task of rewriting 40,000 words of my manuscript. I had to take an adult character out of the book and edit her to be a teenager. I did it. And then, I did it again. After many notes were given about that second character taking away from the bigger story, I edited 40,000 words a second time. Now, I’m looking at what I thought was my final version and am beginning a complete revision for a third time. I’m changing my character and her world. I’m doing a total overhaul that’ll take time and probably a lot of sleepless nights, but I know it’s necessary. I know my story will only get stronger through this revision. I know it needs to be done and even if it feels so daunting and I’m hit with that familiar imposter syndrome as I face the size of this edit, I am reminded that I must try. For the betterment of my story as well as my own strength as a writer. I can’t give up yet. 

At the end of the day, no matter if I get published or not, I have learned a wonderful lesson throughout this experience of trying. I’ve learned that even when the rejection letters roll in, and I’m hit with the possibility over and over that I’m not a good enough writer, I still absolutely love writing. I love sitting at my computer typing away. I can do it for hours at a time. It brings me an immense amount of joy. Even if no one ever reads my words, I still very much enjoy the act of writing. Of course, I don’t want this to always and forever be a hobby, but it’s not so bad for now. 

A writing community friend reminded me the other day that the point to all of this is growth. To continue to learn and strengthen our writing skills. I know I’m a better writer today than I was a year ago when I began this querying journey. I’m also much more aware of how this publishing world works and I’m capable of taking a hard look at my manuscript and admitting it needs revisions. I’ve killed my darlings so many times, I feel little attachment to my words now. I now see the bigger picture. I see the edits that are necessary on my journey to the next level. I see so clearly what needs to be done. And I know I can do it.

Even if it’s a total shock to my system, like the freezing cold water of our pool, I must continue to try.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel