Dear Mom,

It’s Christmas morning. Hanukkah begins tonight. This last week has been top shelf overwhelming. I’ve been running around buying a million presents for my kids. Followed by regretting buying a million presents for my kids. Followed by deciding that they deserve to be spoiled for one week of the year and I’m OK with it. Followed by regretting that I bought anything on Amazon out of convenience instead of planning ahead and buying everything local.

I’m so tired.

What I have noticed lately, as I lay awake in the middle of the night lost in thought, is that my stress has been powering my engine. There are two main reasons for this during the holiday season. Two main factors that I’ve been fixating on lately. Two reasons to feel guilty.

One, I can’t stop feeling bad about the money I’ve been spending on my kids. Each day I’ve woken up thinking about another gift I want to get for them. I’ve given myself more reasons to spoil them. Been reminded over and over about how great my kids are and how much they’ve earned these presents. We rarely buy them anything all year, other than their birthday. Why not go all in on Christmas and Hanukkah?

I’m then up all night regretting the purchase. Waking up every few hours wondering what damage I’ve done. Will these tiny gifts add up and put a serious dent in my bank account?

As the days counted down this week, I had to remind myself that this was happening. The presents had been wrapped. The joy was expected. Santa will get the tiniest credit because screw that guy. Seriously I bought and wrapped these myself.

There was no going back.

And each moment I’d accept this. Each time throughout the week I told myself it was OK, and I didn’t need to stress about the money, I’d be hit with a whole other reason to feel guilty. While I was running around the city buying presents and more wrapping paper and oh shit, I forgot to get a gift for our friend’s kid and oh god I still need to buy food and bake cookies for Santa (scratch that, I’m not baking), it kept creeping into my brain how much time I was wasting. My productivity level diminished so fast it felt like I was falling. Failing. Holy shit I have so much to do! I have to clean my apartment and my car for guests. I have to fold SO MUCH LAUNDRY. I have to write I have to read other writer’s novels that I’ve promised I’d read. And while all of this was happening, I got a letter in the mail reminding me that on JANUARY 1^ST we must submit our Los Angeles Business Tax Renewal which means I must know our annual gross income by JANUARY 1^st! So now I’ve added calculating our income to my list. Oh and a few days ago we were notified that our rent will be raised on February 1^st.

And then Scotland dropped her smoothie IN THE BATHROOM minutes before we were leaving for a party, and Idris was crying because he fell and hurt his toe hours earlier after running in the apartment and now suddenly, he can’t walk. And holy shit I still have so much to do! The store was out of a few items I needed. I ran out of wrapping paper again. HOW DO YOU WRAP A SQUISHMELLOW?

Breathe.

I can handle this. I can do this. Really. I’ll be OK.

So… maybe it’s not guilt? Maybe it’s that I’m so extremely stressed about all I need to get done. Sure, I feel guilty for spending so much money. Sure, I feel guilty for not getting to all of my other responsibilities this week. For not having time to write as much as I want or to make that phone call I planned on making two days ago or to spend actual time hanging out with my kids. But I don’t think it’s guilt that’s driving this. It’s really the feeling like I can’t possibly get it all done. I’m not quite drowning in the to-do lists of my life, but maybe I’m stuck in quicksand?

Mom? How did you manage it all? How did you manage the stress of the holiday season and all that comes with it? I have no memory of you being overwhelmed. I’m sure you must have been. I’m sure you didn’t run around buying gifts and wrapping gifts and gathering food and cleaning the house without feeling stressed.

Or perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps most people don’t get bothered at all by the to-do lists. It certainly seems this way. It seems like the people I run into on the street are totally fine. They’ve got it all figured out. Nothing to see there.

I have a sneaking suspicion that no one is fine, and everyone is freaking out on the inside, but if not, if it’s just me, why? Why am I so worked up? Why can’t I release myself from this awful feeling? Is it regret again? The buyer’s remorse I thought I’d grown past. The beating myself up I’d thought I’d worked on. It feels like these are parts of my core identity and they’re here to stay. I overthink and stress about everything, no matter the size. This is who I am.

Unfortunately, on this Christmas morning, I don’t yet have my answers. I don’t know why I am this way. Why, no matter how many times I promise to let things go, I still get bothered by little things not going according to plan. And that’s even with the consideration that I barely plan ahead. Like barely.

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to plan better. Plan sooner. Plan at all. But that doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t need to set my standards higher. I don’t need more things to stress over.

What feels right is continuing my inclination to add too much to my plate and to then change things at the last minute and then learn to NOT get worked up about it when things inevitably fall apart. This feels more doable. This makes me feel like my chest is not as tight. Like I could breathe easier.

I guess I’ll be adding ‘letting things go’ to my to-do list this year. Again.

Or maybe it’s not about letting things go. Maybe it’s simpler than that. Maybe I’m just really overwhelmed by it all. What if it’s just too much? What if I need to stop adding so many items to my list?

My list is too long. I’ll never get it all done. Every moment I blink there is a new task added until it really all does start to bury me in its weight. It is constantly growing. Multiplying. Never-ending.

I think I see it now. I know what I need to work on for the new year. I need to figure out ways to move past this feeling of it all being more than I can handle. To not look at my list as never-ending as a bad thing but rather as fact. The list will never end because, well, I’m alive. Every moment I breath I get closer to a new task being added to my list. When I’m finished with my business tax renewal, I’ll have to immediately turn my attention to the rest of my taxes. When Christmas is over, I’ll still have seven more nights of Hanukkah, and then I’ll have to get the kids ready for school to start again. A new semester brings a new schedule of activities and bigger school projects.

Sure, I can most definitely work on saying no and not adding so much to my list. But there will always be unavoidable additions. There will always be tasks I can’t get out of. And, more often than not, I will not be able to get it all done as planned.

Going forward, when it feels like I’ll never be finished with all the things I have to get done. And my list keeps getting longer. I will try to remind myself that my life isn’t finished, so why would my to-do list be?

Perhaps then I can find some calm in the chaos.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel