Dear Mom,

I have been thinking a lot lately about my inability to say no to my kids. I googled why I can’t say no, and the answers were quite illuminating. Staring back at me were the following reasons why people struggle with this concept…

Fear of conflict. Fear of guilt. People pleasing. Childhood conditioning. Imposter syndrome. And need for approval.

Hm. Interesting. All of these are familiar ideas to me. Most of these I’ve even written to you about already.

I know that my inability to say no began long ago. I don’t know when exactly. I don’t know how exactly. Did you teach me to say yes and please people and avoid conflict? Or did I watch you behave in such a way that made me believe this was appropriate? I’m not sure. But there is one specific aspect of my life where I do believe my conditioning to always say yes was heightened… 

Do you remember my first job? That pizza and pasta place in Buffalo Grove owned by the family who were most definitely antisemitic and only hired a bunch of Jews because they thought we were Italian? 

That was where I first learned the concept of ‘the customer is always right’. I was fourteen when I got that job and for the next decade, I continued on my hospitality journey where I said yes to the most ridiculous requests simply because the customer had asked. 

And it didn’t stop when I clocked out. I took that concept personally and it followed me into every aspect of my life. My boyfriends got a version of me that was ready to say yes. You want me to dye my hair blond because you prefer blonds? OK. I’ll go do that. You want me to stop hanging out with my friends? Ok. I’ll go do that. And I had some friends who only got the people pleaser version of me who always said yes. They got the person who’d show up for them even if it inconvenienced me. I’ve had bosses who walked all over me and expected me to go above and beyond my basic job requirements with zero acknowledgment that I was being overworked and underpaid.

I did this all. I said yes to everything simply because everyone around me asked. And the right thing was to say yes. The right thing was to obey. The customer is always right. And I was starting to believe that people were right simply by asking. I never stopped to ask myself if it was right for me to say yes. What was I sacrificing in the process?

And then, I learned. I grew. I began to change. I began to see my value. To respect myself. To understand that I could say no whenever I wanted and to whoever I wanted simply because. I didn’t need a reason to say no. I could decline because I felt like it. For the first time in my life, I treated myself like a customer. As if I finally had the right to be right. I quit jobs as soon as I felt they were the wrong fit for me instead of waiting years to make the leap. I cut toxic people from my life without feeling guilty about it. I was on a road to being a much stronger version of myself.

And then.

I had kids.

For the first years nothing changed. I was raising my kids in a way that didn’t sacrifice my own happiness. My own sanity. Everyone in our household had the space to get what they needed and what they wanted. Saying yes to them didn’t require me to lose out at all.

But then. 

They got older.

They started asking for things that required more of me. They started asking for things that I didn’t want to say yes to. They started begging. Demanding. Shouting. Stomping. Crying. Wanting. Needing. Arguing. Disobeying. Ignoring. Disrespecting. 

I don’t want to. I don’t like that. I want to watch another episode. I want one more. I want to for a little longer. I want. I want. I want.

And I, little by little as the time went on, started to slip back into the people pleaser version of myself. I had to avoid conflict. Say yes to avoid a fit. Say yes to ensure they can be happy. Say yes or they won’t know I care about them. Say yes. Say yes. Say yes. 

Suddenly, I began to treat my kids like they were my customers. That they are always right. But then… I was reminded of the second half of that original quote. The customer is always right… in matters of taste. The customer might be right in many ways, but the customer still has to follow the rules. The customer does not have the right to be a complete asshole.

A man walks into a coffee shop and demands a drink that isn’t on the menu but can be made. It’s complicated. It’s annoying. It’s going to take a ton of time and force every other customer to wait longer. But he will get his weird drink. That will happen because, as a customer, he is right. In matters of taste. What if he says he doesn’t want to pay for it? Nope. He must follow the rules of the coffee shop and pay for his drink. Let’s say he has no issue paying but he’d really love to take off his shoes while he waits for the coffee. Nope. He can’t. That is against the rules of the store. 

Now, I’m going to stop here for a moment because I have written three different versions of this letter, and they all end up going into a million different directions. When it comes to this whole comparison with the customer there are a few destinations I end up at that all have to do with my fears as a parent. 

I worry that my kids will turn into the kinds of people who request ridiculous orders and don’t acknowledge the work of the employees or the delay of the other customers. I worry they will become entitled jerks because I let them get away with disregarding all of my rules for too long. I also worry that by them acting like what they want matters most, I will slip back into my tendencies to not stand up for myself. I will become that person again who I fought so hard to grow away from. I fear they will not understand the importance of boundaries if I fail to stand by my own.

OK, so there is a lot to unpack here. See why I’ve written three different versions?

Ultimately, I think what I’m finding is that I am afraid that I’m going to screw up my kids. This is just one example of how that can happen. If I let them do what they want when they want. If I buy them what they want. If I allow them to control our household, then they will never understand how to be good citizens. They will be selfish and entitled and my worst nightmare. But this is all a bit extreme. I see that. I know I’m overreacting, but I can also recognize that these behaviors do scare me. Their inability to listen to me and follow the rules and their need to fight every no I throw at them scares me. I’ve known a lot of people in my lifetime who have walked the world like they are owed something. As if they are the only ones that matter, and we must all obey. I worry that they will become that way but then I also worry if I’m not careful they will become like me. It’s a fine line between confident and entitled. It’s also a fine line between helpful and people pleasing. 

I must remind myself that my kids are good people. Most mornings when Idris comes out of his bedroom, he brings his sister’s water bottle to her. He is a good person with a kind heart. Just because he refuses to turn the TV off and can’t sit in his chair for more than two minutes at a time doesn’t mean he is an entitled jerk. Scotland sets up her brother’s toothbrush for him and often goes out of her way to make him happy. She is a good person with a kind heart. Just because she refuses to shower when it’s most convenient for me and insists to forget how many times, we’ve asked her to not chew potato chips with her mouth open doesn’t mean she is an entitled jerk. My kids are not going to go to a restaurant and climb on a table and then go in the back and open the fridge and walk away. My kids aren’t going to demand the waitress make them a new plate of food because they don’t like the sauce on the one that was made. My kids aren’t going to cut in line at the bookstore or forget to say thank you to the cashier. In general, they are good kids with good manners and a good understanding of how they should conduct themselves in the world. 

My kids are also strong people. They stand up for what they believe in. They don’t let people control them. They’re honest and confront situations that make them uncomfortable. I have watched in awe as they have both set personal boundaries for themselves. Both understanding how to self-regulate and how to speak up when a change is necessary.

Perhaps it’s never been about them at all. Maybe I don’t have that much fear about who they will become. Maybe it’s all about me. I’m bothered when my kids push back because it triggers me. Every time they disregard my rules or my warnings or my pleas, I go to a place of feeling disrespected and taken advantage of and I fear I’ll become that person again who wants to make everyone happy and avoid conflict and just say yes because it’s easier. 

Maybe it’s time that I start to understand that not every single pushback from my kids is detrimental. They’re experimenting. They’re pushing boundaries to see how their parents will react. They’re well-behaved at school and need to let out their emotions while at home. Bad behavior does not equate to bad people. 

Also, the tiny glimpses of their bad behavior do not equate to me being a bad mom. I know that. And I am trying to remember that I am strong enough to say no even to the people I love the most.

I feel this need to not screw them up and not allow them to fall into the same patterns that I became so accustomed to. But I also know that I need to separate my baggage from my children. We are not the same people. I must start to recognize that their ups and down in life have so little to do with me. My job is to set them up for success as much as possible. My job is not to raise perfect adults who never falter. My job is to say yes when I can and to say no when I need to and also when I want to. That is the right thing to do. And I am doing this right. I am raising them right. And I am going to fight for my right to feel more confident saying no to these crazy kids who find so much joy in pushing my buttons.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel