Dear Mom,

Did you ever feel like you lost complete control of your kids? That your authority as a parent simply vanished? I mean, I know that happened when I was around 13 until around 22. But how about when I was really little? Like 6? 8?

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m going through a parenting regression. My normal hold on my kids is slipping and it feels like, most of the time, I have no control over them at all. That’s not to say my kids are out of control. Most of the time, they are well behaved and love to follow rules. It’s that they have seemingly stopped listening to me beyond the usual routine. Yes, they will go to school when it is time in the morning. They will listen to their teachers all day. They will follow the societal rules of being kind and not hitting and all of that. They will do their homework, reluctantly for one but he will finish it. They will eat their dinner and get through showers and bedtime with a sense of easy enough.

So where is the loss of control? Every. Single. Moment. In. Between. 

I’ve talked to other parents, and it appears that this is normal. That I am not alone.

So… what is this? What is this moment in parenting when our grasp loosens, and our kids run wild? Why is this happening?

Over the weekend, we went to the public pool. We’re having a heat wave in Los Angeles, and we needed to get out and spend hours in a pool other than the one at our apartment that is currently loaded with mosquitos. When we arrived, there was a line at the entrance. The pool was short on lifeguards, and they had reached capacity. People could only enter after others left. Well, it was 104 outside. No one was leaving. We decided to give it five minutes. Then we tacked on another five. And another five. While we waited to enter, we watched our kids jump and swing and climb on every inch of jumpable, swingable, climbable space out front. Idris got very close to fully pissing off a black widow in the dirt. At one point he even kissed the ground. During all of this, the line of other families quietly watched us as they patiently waited. The other kids weren’t jumping and swinging and climbing. The other kids were well behaved and waited alongside their adults. Now, to be fair, there were phones in the hands of most adults and some kids around us. Our kids had no entertainment. Our kids entertained themselves. But still, we kept asking them to stop. To quiet down. To quit screwing around with the black widow. They wouldn’t listen.

I was left wondering why. Why is it that my kids refuse to listen in public? Why can’t they stop bouncing around when everyone else is patiently waiting?

But then I wonder if maybe this is by design. They spend the moments that matter (the school days, the homework time, the extracurriculars) following the rules and being respectful of teachers and coaches and parents of friends. They aren’t disruptive. They are well-mannered and respectful. Shouldn’t the moments in between be a little out of control? A little chaotic? Shouldn’t they breathe a little and let loose in a safe space? Aren’t we that safe space?

Perhaps I’ve confused those moments in between as bad behavior when in reality its only well-intentioned children letting off some steam. They’re not messing with other people. They’re not vandalizing property. They’re not shouting and kicking and screaming. Their only error is not listening to their parents. And maybe their parents need to relax a bit. Maybe I need to recognize that jumping and climbing and swinging outside while waiting to enter the public pool during a heat wave isn’t bad behavior. It’s totally natural.

Is it time to cut back on the restrictions? To allow them to lean into the moments in between. Haven’t I always encouraged this behavior anyway? Haven’t we established a sense of independence in our household since they were super little?

Sometimes I joke with new parents that the secret to having great kids is the right amount of neglect. That could sound bad, but there is a lot of truth in that idea if I’m being totally honest. Funny that I’ve complained for years as an adult about you neglecting us as kids, but maybe it’s all in the perspective. Or the amount of neglect, I guess. Anyway, when our kids were tiny, we often allowed them to be independent. I thought for a while I was a lazy mom. Letting them hang out alone while I got stuff done around the apartment. Looking back, I wasn’t leaving them alone, unattended. We never lived in a big enough space that I was ever that far away. What we were really doing was allowing them to figure things out on their own. They were left to make their own decisions. And it worked. They were never the kids who cried when we dropped them at school. They were never the kids who needed us to accompany them on the physical play structure at the park. They knew they were safe, that we were never too far away, but they also knew that they’d be fine without us too.

With that, comes the other side. Independence doesn’t only foster the not needing to hold our hands all the time. It also brings attitude. It brings opinions. It brings push back. These are the moments I need to begin letting go of. My kids aren’t bad because they question me and talk back to me. I am their safe space to do so. I am one of two people they feel comfortable questioning. And isn’t that a skill worth honing? Don’t they need to be ready for the day when they go out into the world and experience people and situations that require them to question and push back?

This is a skill I never had. Perhaps this is why I stayed in toxic work environments for years too long. Why I stayed in toxic relationships for years too long. I didn’t know how to question shady situations. I didn’t feel comfortable standing up for myself and my needs. 

I wonder what you could have done differently. I definitely talked back to you. I for sure questioned your authority. But I also often got in trouble for that behavior. I think this is the key. Giving them permission to question while staying within the parameters of basic human respect. Could that work? And if so, how? How do I teach my kids to question me without disrespecting me? Is that even possible?

I think so. Maybe?

When I pick the kids up from school each day, they do their very best to take as much time as possible walking to the car. In their perfect world they’d stay at school for hours longer to hang out with friends and avoid coming home to the boring homework. They know that they have wiggle room to push when I say it’s time to leave. They have figured out through trial and error that they can pretend not to hear me when I repeatedly say it’s time to go without any real consequences. And I know, when it’s actually time to go, they will listen to me. If I say, I have a client at home and need to get back, they will listen. When it really matters, they do respect my authority.

I’ve been so consumed with getting upset with them in those moments in between but I’m starting to realize those moments are their only opportunity to push back. They deserve time throughout the day when they can stop listening and just let go. Right? 

I sure want those moments in my own life. I want to stop listening and let go.

Haven’t I sort of setup a version of this for myself? By quitting those corporate jobs and starting my own business and writing alone in my bedroom haven’t I secured a world for me that is heavy on the independence and light on the unwanted authority? I can’t deny that it feels good to color outside of the lines when no one is looking, and I believe my kids deserve to do the same. No one needs to be perfect all of the time. In fact, being obsessed with perfection and rules can lead to very unhealthy relationships later. 

So, once again I ask, how do I move forward with this realization? How do I parent in the moments in between?

I believe it starts with honesty. It starts with a conversation. With communication. I feel the need to show my kids that I respect them by listening to them when they question me and really considering their perspective. I might still say no to them when the reason is good enough, like when their safety is at risk. But that doesn’t mean I should throw a no at them without an explanation. And it doesn’t mean I should expect them to always agree with my assessment.  

Sometimes I do overreact. Sometimes their push back is warranted. These are the moments when I need to let go of my hold on them. These are the moments when they need me to listen to them. These are the moments when mutual respect is most important. Being a parent doesn’t award me the absolute power of authority over my children. Being a parent is respecting my kids enough to hear them when they are asking me to reconsider. To allow them freedom in the moments when they don’t want to follow rules. When they need to question. When they need to push back. The moments that are most crucial for me to understand are these moments in between.

Maybe I’m not regressing as a parent. Maybe I’m growing.

Or… my kids are tricking me into bending to them and they’re totally taking advantage of me and my desire to not screw them up too badly. 

Either way, I kind of like this stage.

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel