Dear Mom,

It feels like, for the last few years, my life has been cluttered. There are always too many things going on at the same time. Juggling that ever important work/life balance. Raising kids while also still in many ways raising myself. Walking the tightrope of an overscheduled life while being the most under scheduled parent I know. 

Birthday parties. Playdates. Homework. Soccer practice. Even without being signed up for a million activities, it can still feel like my kids, and me by extension, never stop. 

Then there are my own personal goals that feel overwhelming. My dream of being a published author. My letters to you that I promised myself I’d upload weekly. My actual day job. At times it can feel as if I don’t have a grasp on anything entirely. I’m one foot in, one foot out of every task and every commitment. 

School has started too so that means back to a million hours of volunteering for the kids. Even after promising myself that I’d step back from saying yes at school, I’ve still managed to overcommit once again. 

With so much to squeeze in during every day, it feels like my mind is constantly racing. Yearning to check off each item so I can move onto the next. But nothing is ever quite finished. Every task is ongoing and at times I wonder if I’ll ever have it all finished.

So, I’ve been thinking of ways to lighten my load and declutter my mind. How do I clear the cobwebs and dust off my shelves and make space for the things that truly matter? How do I maximize my time? How do I ensure that every moment counts in an often too busy week?

There can be many different answers to these questions, so I decided to narrow it down a bit. As an inspiration, I looked at my bedroom. My room, for a very long time, has been cluttered. Messy. So many piles of ‘I’ll get to those later’ or ‘I’ll donate those soon’ or ‘I’ll fit into those eventually’ and even a large pile of ‘maybe my kids will want to look back years from now and enjoy their, let’s be honest, subpar artwork from kindergarten’. 

Now, listen, I have never been one to lean on sentimentality. I don’t need to keep nostalgia from years ago. I don’t frame pictures. I don’t keep birthday cards. I don’t really care to keep my kids’ artwork. None of it really matters to me. I want to have experiences. To make memories. I don’t need photo proof that it happened. So, in an effort to declutter my mind, I decided to declutter my bedroom. Over the weekend I filled bags with garbage and bags with donations. I cleared off my desk. Cleared off the bench next to my desk. Cleared off the dresser. I dusted. I wiped down. I swept. And when it was all done, I looked around my room and realized that it’s truly a never-ending project. I will never be done. But that doesn’t mean I should avoid it all together.

It reminds me of the time, back in college, when I was working at a restaurant. The back patio was surrounded by massive trees and often filled with leaves. Every morning, the opening staff was tasked at sweeping away the fallen leaves. I’ll never forget the time one of the servers complained. She wondered what the point of sweeping every morning was. If leaves were just going to fall again anyway. I remember thinking at the time that the concept of not cleaning because it’ll only get dirty again is quite a flawed perspective. The fact that it’ll get dirty again is the exact reason why it must be cleaned. Or else, you’re at risk of living in a never-ending cycle of piling up leaves that you’ll no doubt drown in eventually.

In many ways, it feels like I have somehow allowed myself to be surrounded by piled up stacks and lists and tasks and I’m stuck in this overwhelming cycle of ‘will I ever get it all done?’. 

It can feel so easy for life to get away from us. For leaves to continue piling up. And to accept the mess as inevitable. But I’ve learned enough about myself to know that I don’t operate well in a chaotic environment. I’m just too tired to get from my point A of cluttered to the point B of minimal. So, I’m starting a new project. Every day. Every single day. Until I make real progress. I will get rid of five things. That’s it. No more. No less. Five items will either be donated or thrown away. That pile of mail I’ll get to? Turns out it was all junk. Now it’s in the trash. That bin full of old costumes? Turns out the kids have both outgrown all of it. It’s now gone. We had old suitcases. Beat up old duffle bags. We have moved cities and apartments for twelve years with most of these items. It’s all going away.

And it’s a funny feeling to look around at more space and immediately wonder what else I can get rid of. How much more can I clear out? Can I declutter my entire apartment?

I think so. But then I wonder, what will it mean after?

Will cleaning my closet help me accomplish more productivity throughout the week? Or… will it make no difference at all?

I fear that when it’s all done, when everything has been cleared, I will find that I’m still struggling to get through life. My inability to get things done will be revealed at the bottom of the closet floor. Is my clutter my crutch? Do I need to surround myself with piles and lists to distract myself from the real problem? That I am, still, incapable of following through? That I am still holding back? That I am still self-sabotaging?

Is my clutter a security blanket? Is it in actuality hiding my insecurities?

Am I afraid to let go of all the junk because I know, deep down, my inability to be successful is waiting for me beneath the debris?

What I do know, is that I won’t really know until I cut through the noise of distractions and see what lies underneath. 

I’ve been trying to figure out what sort of advice you’d give me if you were here. If I came to you with this ongoing dilemma of having insecurities hiding beneath my to do lists, what would you say? Honestly, I don’t think you’d say much. I don’t think you’d have much advice at all because I think you struggled with the same issues. I think a lot of us do. And I believe most of us are just aimlessly chipping away.

Well, Mom, I don’t want to aimlessly chip away anymore. I want to find purpose. To know where I’m heading. I want to clean up and tidy up and organize my entire life and self. I want to clear the cobwebs in the corners of my home as well as the corners of my mind so I can begin to take steps in a more productive direction. 

Perhaps what I need to do is clear my five physical items while simultaneously clearing one in my mind. As I get rid of physical things I can work on chipping away at one of my many insecurities so I can work toward accomplishing one of my many goals.

I believe that if I can break down my problems into smaller sections, they won’t feel so daunting and unachievable. Taking one large issue at a time until I whittle it down to nothing. 

I want to begin with my fear of failure so I can work toward my goal of success. This week I am going to do my very best to address, head on, my belief that no matter how hard I try, I will always fall short. 

How do I do that?

Well, first I must admit that I still, even after all the times I’ve written to you about this very topic, don’t have full confidence in my writing. I still second guess my skill. I still contemplate whether or not it was a mistake to call myself a writer. What if I should have studied math and science in school and admitted all those years ago that creative writing was never my strength? 

I say, screw that line of thought. What I must do to clear that self-doubt from my mind is admit the opposite. I am a great writer. I am going to get published. I will find my audience. I absolutely did make the correct choice in pursuing a career as an author. I know it, deep down. I know I have natural creative talent as well as an undeniable skill of taking notes and revising. I can listen to criticism and, after a short moment of feeling sorry for myself, I can most definitely learn.

I do actually have confidence. It’s in there. Hiding behind the dust of doubt. I only need to throw out that voice that tells me to question my abilities. I only need to remind myself of my strengths.

So. Here I am. Shouting from the rooftops. Shouting into the void. I AM A GREAT WRITER. I WILL GET PUBLISHED. I WILL FIND MY AUDIENCE. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

Sigh. That felt good.

Ok. That’s it. Every day for this week I will get rid of five items, and I will also remind myself, both within and also out loud, that I am a strong writer and that I do not have to suffocate my dreams with my self-doubt.

Simply typing these words makes me already feel lighter. Less cluttered. Less messy. Less doubtful. More clearheaded. More determined. More confident. 

I am ready to begin my journey of throwing away my baggage. Both literal and figurative. 

I love you, Mom.

Love,

Rachel