Dear Mom,

 Today is my third Mother’s Day as a mother. The fourth since losing you. The first when it really hit me that I’m Mom for life.

I don’t think I ever really understood the significance of Mother’s Day until today.  Mother’s Day was simply a day to go to brunch as a family. You deserved more praise as my Mom. But when you were alive, I often took you for granted. I should have told you more often, not just on Mother’s Day, how important you were to me.

Now I can’t tell you. Not really. 

The last two Mother’s Days I was still so new as a mom. Honestly, I still sometimes feel like an imposter in my role as a mother. It feels so natural yet so foreign at times. 

The last two years I told Jeremy not to do anything for me. I’m not his mother and my kids were too small (actually I only had one kid) to do anything for me. So I think I requested to put my feet up and not cook dinner.

This year has been different. 

I woke up early on my own this morning. I stayed in bed for about an hour until I heard Scotland calling for me. She had to go potty. So I figured, this is the start of my day. I looked over and Jeremy was sound asleep. He wakes up with the kids every morning. Today it was my turn.

 I got out of bed and greeted my children. Then we brushed teeth and got dressed for the day. We got ready to leave and I checked back on Jeremy who was still asleep. So we left. We walked half a mile to my favorite coffee shop and had breakfast. After, we walked to the park. About two hours after we had left the apartment, Jeremy woke up wondering where we were. He then met us at the park and we continued our wonderful day as a family of four.

Now, it might seem at first thought that this is wrong. That I should have stayed in bed until 9:30am. Should have had breakfast in bed and not had to deal with taking the kids someplace. But it was the most fantastic morning. I don’t know what happened while I slept last night, but I woke up on this Mother’s Day feeling like a Mom. And not just like any mom, but a great mom, a mom like you. 

Scotland refers to you as Mommy’s Mommy Janis. We talk about you often. Almost daily. She’s super into The Beatles right now so we talk about how big of a fan you were. She reminds me so much of you. Maybe it’s this fact, that she has so much of you in her, that allows me to fully fall into my role. It’s like the roles reversed for me. 

 Before you died it felt as if I’d forever be in the role of daughter. You were never going to stop being my Mom and looking after me, and nagging me, and worrying about me. As annoyed as I often was about it, I enjoyed being looked after by you.

 After you died it felt like a lot of people in my life took over the maternal role for me. Many people I love looked after me during the rough years following your death. After all, I went through my wedding, a career change and the births of both of my children without you. I couldn’t have done that alone. 

Now things feel different. Of course I still have loved ones, both family and friends, who help me when I’m in need. But now it’s more about my children. Now I focus almost all of my energy on my kids and when friends and family swoop in to help it’s mostly for the sake of the kids. And the crazy, unexpected thing is that I don’t mind it at all. 

Before Scotland was born I wrote a piece about how scared I was to lose myself in becoming a mother. And now almost three years later, I don’t feel like I’ve lost any part of myself. I feel like I’ve only added to me. I’m still the “me” I’ve always been but now I’m more. I make decisions that are based on how they will affect me as well as how they will affect my family. But it’s important to include the fact that I am still an individual. I am still the Rachel I’ve always been just now I’m so much more. 

When I was younger I didn’t know I wanted to be a mom someday. I think I was so afraid of how it would change me. But now I can say with absolute certainty that I can’t imagine my life without my kids. I am now stronger, wiser and have slightly more flexible hips and I love every moment with these crazy kiddos. 

So, what I really want to say to you Mom is thank you. Thank you for being the mom you were to me. My protector (even if I resented it), my friend, my confidant, my advisor, my role model both in being a woman and a mother. You set the path for me to be a strong woman and a confident mother and my only wish in the world is that you could be here to share in my happiness. Even if that would have brought a lot of unsolicited advice as to how to raise my children.

 I Love You, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

Rachel