Dear Mom,

Yesterday was warm enough in Chicago to ride my bike to work. As I rode along the lake I couldn’t help but think of you. After all, it is your final resting place. So, as I carefully made sure no one was too close to me, I began a conversation with you. Not sure if you heard me, but talking to you opened up something inside of me. I imagine it was similar to the feeling when you’re in therapy and you experience a breakthrough. I’m not too familiar with that feeling, as I was only in therapy for a short time in my life. You remember that right? When you sent me to therapy when I was 11 because you and Dad were having a tough time with raising a teenager and were worried that my witnessing your fights with my brother would screw me up? For the record, I believe the therapy was worse than me listening to a little yelling.

Anyway, as I rode along the lake and spoke, out loud, to my dead mother, I realized a few things. Number one, anyone who did hear me likely thought I was crazy and I am completely OK with that. Number two, I have a lot of room for improvement when it comes to emotionally dealing with your death. Number three, I am happy with the woman I am, even if I’m not entirely sure as to how I became her.

It’s number three that I would like to explore today.

I’ve often wondered what contributes most to people being a certain way. The old Nature vs. Nurture debate.  However, recently I’ve noticed that thinking about how I got to a point in my life tends to deter me from living my life. I get so consumed with the reasons I got here that I forget to simply enjoy where I’m at. For example, today I am a mom, a Pilates instructor and a resident of Illinois. All things that for a long time I never thought I’d become. I think about what got me here, and I often wonder if I had made different choices in my life, would I still be this person today.

Maybe if I had decided to not go to Grad School then I wouldn’t have a mountain of debt, and it’s close relative stress, to deal with. However, if I never went to Grad School I would have never met Jeremy and I would have never moved to LA. If I had never met Jeremy and moved to LA, I would have never found fitness and Pilates. My life would have been completely different. And then I wonder, am I wrong? Was I destined to meet Jeremy and find Pilates regardless? I have no clue. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that it doesn’t matter.

There will always be questions in my mind. If you hadn’t gotten sick, would we have ever been so close? If you hadn’t died, would I have ever felt the need to move back to Chicago? If you were still alive would I be writing as much? Every decision I have ever made can be questioned. But if I am constantly wondering if my life would be different if I had made different choices, then I am not focusing on actually living.

I’ve spoken before about being present and mindful and I believe this is directly related to that idea. I am happiest when I am busy. I am also more productive when I’m busy. And what I’m not doing when I’m busy is thinking about what else I could be doing. This is the key to my happiness. And I think that my being busy is really my being present. It’s life in action. Instead of sitting around and in some cases observing I am doing the living. And when I am living I am content.

This is a concept that I definitely need to explore more. My inability to be present and turn off my mind often gets in my way, and I do think I will need to dig deeper within myself to figure out why that is. But, for now, I want to do what I can to simply live. To be me and not question it. I can’t be the mom I want to be if all I do is live in the past, or worse some alternate reality where my life could have possibly been slightly different.

And, lastly, if I take all of the decisions I have made in my life and add them to the experiences that I’ve had that I could in no way control, the result is the current version of me. Everything I’ve ever done and experienced has made me who I am. Sure, different choices could have possibly changed me, but there is no turning back. I am this person now and it’s time to accept that and to love her. It’s time to believe in all of me. My strengths and my pride as well as my flaws and regrets all contribute to who I am. I will never be perfect, that’s just a pipe dream. But happiness and love are in my control. I choose to be happy with who I am and to love myself. I choose to look forward instead of behind. I choose to live.

I love you, Mom.

Rachel