Dear Mom,

It’s been a while since I’ve written to you. I apologize. Life got in the way.

Today is an important day. It’s a day for me to set all other seemingly unnecessary tasks aside and sit down to write.

Today is June 1st. Exactly one year since I began these letters to you. The date that was important to begin with due to it being the anniversary of my sobriety.

But I’m here to confess something to you, Mom. Since last year I haven’t been 100% sober.

GASP! Oh no!

Yes. It is true. I have allowed the alcoholic beverage to touch my lips and I’m here to admit that it tasted, well, uh…. Kind of disgusting.

It was November, or possibly December. A couple of weeks after my 31st birthday. I was around two months into my new stint as a mother, and my body was finally resembling a state of recovery after what turned out to be an awful and painful ordeal called childbirth.

Being pregnant and the months that followed giving birth were eye opening for me. One of the biggest lessons I learned was how to put myself last. My body wasn’t entirely my own, and now almost 8 months after my daughter’s birth I am finally slowing down on breastfeeding and getting closer to feeling normal again.

I didn’t mind sharing. I love my daughter and feeding her is an incredible experience that leaves me with a strong sense of accomplishment. But in those first months, while I was sleep deprived and feeling like I had given up a part of myself, I desired a night out and a glass of wine.

I told myself over and over that I was strong enough to try it.  There were many moments where I contemplated whether or not I was actually an alcoholic or if I had simply enjoyed the beverage a little too much while I was younger and at some point I had grown out of that need to drink. It had been a while since I caught myself saying or thinking, “I’ve had a hard day I really need a glass of wine”, or “Today is really hot out I’d love a cold beer”. Instead, I was saying, “I want a glass of wine because I haven’t had one in over two years and I just had a baby and I want a damn glass of wine and no one can stop me.” So, I did it. I ordered a glass of wine and I took a sip.

It was terrible. One more sip and I stopped. Couldn’t handle that horrible taste. Now, in the wine’s defense, it wasn’t good quality and I probably shouldn’t have ordered it from the neighborhood pub, so I tried it again. A few weeks later I bought a bottle of my favorite wine, Da Vinci Chianti. I breastfed my baby first, so I wouldn’t risk giving her any wine, and I poured myself a glass. Two hours later I finished it. That was the last time I finished an alcoholic beverage.

Since then I have tasted a handful of beers and took the tiniest sip of scotch, which was an intensely warm sensation that wasn’t particularly enjoyable.

I have learned a few things about myself.

I am not an alcolholic. I am not an addict. In fact, I no longer really like the stuff at all.

The only alcoholic beverage I enjoy at all is Guinness and that’s not a very strong beer. For the most part, I don’t like the taste of alcohol anymore and I almost instantly feel dehydrated after taking a couple of sips.

And, most importantly in my opinion, I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to feel even the slightest bit buzzed. I honestly enjoy being sober. I love feeling a sense of clarity. Being able to think and act with no regrets. I can no longer self-sabotage and blame my shortcomings on my not being “all there”.

Plus, being a mother to a 8 month old baby is hard enough. I don’t need the added task of parenting while drunk. That sounds miserable to me.

I feel comfortable saying that I am not an alcoholic but that I choose to be sober. I also feel fine with the idea that in the future I may take a sip of champagne at a wedding, or a sip of wine at Passover Seder, or possibly a sip of Guinness on a cold winter day. And all of that is ok. I have the strength to stop there. I don’t want or need a full glass of anything.

I don’t want or need to feel drunk or buzzed or to take a break or let go. I don’t want or need an escape. If I want to taste a beer that looks interesting or taste wine at a vineyard I can. I know I can do that without getting carried away.

With 100% certainty I can say that I don’t need alcohol. I choose to not drink because I don’t want to.

And I say to all the bartenders and skeptical readers out there, I choose to order water at a bar because I’m thirsty and want to be hydrated. That is all. I am not hiding anything. I am not avoiding alcohol. I am not currently pregnant. I am ordering water because that’s what I want and that’s what I need.

I love you, Mom.

Rachel