Dear Mom,

Everyone grieves differently. Losing a loved one isn’t easy and I’ve recently been reminded that suffering is a natural part of life.

When you died, I did everything in my power to not suffer. I masked my sadness with happiness. And it wasn’t difficult to find reasons to be happy. I was getting married two months later and had a lot of positive things to surround myself with.

I was working out a lot, mostly to feel great on my wedding day, and those endorphins helped quite a bit.

Yoga became a big part of my life. I focused on my breath and being mindful.

Most of my attempts to find positivity were to avoid my grief. I was worried that if I grieved too hard I would crumble. At the time of your death I was 5 months sober and I was scared that my sadness would lead me to drinking my feelings.

So, I ignored my feelings, repressed them, and less than 2 years later they resurfaced.

I was pregnant with my daughter. Hormones were bringing new emotions into my days. Had moved back home after 12 years of being away to find that this city was no longer the city that felt like my home at one point. So many of my friends were back in California. I felt very alone.

Suddenly, I was hit with a stark reality. My mom was gone.

You were the one who made Chicago home to me. You were the one who made me love this city. Your absence was noticed. And that led me to realize that you were missing from every aspect of my life.

At the time all I could think about was how you were going to miss the birth of my first child and all of the moments that followed. Now, I’m dealing with this feeling once again. I’m 3 months to my due date with my second child. A boy. And I still can’t believe that you won’t be here.

I’d like to think that I’m now wiser than I was when I was pregnant with my daughter. That I’ve come to terms with your absence and fully understand that you will continue to live on through me, as well as through my children.

However, and maybe I’m stubborn and refuse to let go, but I still want to scream about how unfair it is that you’re not here. How utterly useless I am without your assistance. How lost I am without your advice. I sometimes wonder if I will suffer as a mother not having mine around. I watch friends have babies with their moms by their sides and I have to admit that I get jealous.

At the same time, I’d like to think that I am a better mother because of the loss I went through. Without you around to help me I have to step up. Stand by my decisions. Overall, I’m a stronger person now. I went through something that changed me and made me notice all the beauty in life. Death is funny in that way. It’s excruciating to lose a loved one but it does force you to grow and see the bigger picture. Now, I see life having more value. Losing my mother allowed me to focus more on what is most important. Life. And I want to be a mother who places value on the quality of the lives of my children. 

So, did I grieve wrong? Did I delay the process? Maybe. But I also gave myself time to adjust to life without you and space in my heart to allow both happiness and sadness at the same time before I opened myself up to the suffering.

I can’t say I did anything wrong. As I said, we all grieve differently. This was the way I grieved your death and as I’m writing this now I am still coming to terms with the fact that my grieving your death will never fully end.

And that’s ok.

I Love You Mom,

Rachel